Memories

Sometimes, I look back and think

Remember and feel, what was and has been

And then I look forward to feel

All that might yet be

A smile breaks, a cheer creeps in

Yet scars remain within

The shadows of a trust I lost will haunt me forever

On Illness

I feel ill, I am so unwell

Please go and see, someone rang the bell

There's someone to see you, something urgent she said

Ask her to wait a while, I will take time to get out of bed

My eyes are watery, my neck is sore

My body aches, ah I can't take this anymore

She's saying she can't wait, its not in her nature

Ask her to come again I would, but she doesn't believe in the future

Oh! who is this rascal, who wont let me sleep

Who is this menace who wants to see me weep

Let her go, let her run, let her show us her back

I need to get well, I can't get off track

I sent her off, she wasn't upset

She left a card, said you shouldn't fret

Oh such a nice lady, I cursed her - oh such vice

'Hi my name is opportunity, I don't knock twice'

I feel ill, I am so unwell

Why don't I go and see, someone rang the bell.

Aadat si...

Sach kehne ko na bolo, sach bolte muh jhijhakta hai
Jhooth mein  zinda rehne ki aadat si ho gayi hai
Muskurane ko na bolo, muskurahat bhi khokhli hai
Iss gam ke sehre mein dum ghutaane ki aadat si ho gayi hai
Tumse apni mohabbat chipaate chipaate
Iss dil ko dard ki barkhat ki aadat si ho gayi hai


Tumhare lavz iss dil ka sooraj hain, tumhara chehra iska chand
Ab bin Roshni rehne ki aadat si ho gayi ai
Tumhari hasi iski bhookh aur tumhari khushi iski pyaas
Ab tumhari tamannayon ke chaayon mein jeeney ki aadat si ho gayi hai
Tumse apni mohabbat chipaate chipaate
Iss dil ko dard ki barkhat ki aadat si ho gayi hai


Kehne ko hain nadiyaan aur bataane ko hain Aakash 
Par chup rehne ki aadat si ho gayi hai
Dil mein hai tumhaare armaan kayi, aur kuch humaare bhi
Par kaagaz nahin boltey, ab tumhaari tasveer se dosti karne ki aadat si ho gayi
Tumse apni mohabbat chipaate chipaate
Iss dil ko dard ki barkhat ki aadat si ho gayi hai


Chalo koi baat nahin, naya savera, naya din
Ab roz ummeed baandhne ki aadat si ho gayi hai
Khuda ki rehmat hai aaj tak tumhare pyaar mein
Dil ke tootey tukarhon se ek suneheri tasveer bananey ki aadat si ho gayi hai
Tumse anjaane mein mohabbat nibhaate nibhaate   
Iss dil ko dard ki barkhat ki aadat si ho gayi hai

I like being white and clean
Pass like light through the window
Why do you put a black filter on the door?
There are those who value the clean window more than the view outside
With them the light lights up
But then they go visit the others
Trust is thrown and stamped on on the floor

A confused confession

Its a double edged blade
A battle never won
A sweetless sugary cake forbidden
Adam’s apple in Eden.

An unexplicable fascination
Of desires unfathomed
Of passions immeasurable
And joyfuls of pain

A paid duty
A religious offering
A submission to temptation
And a mark of love

Three apparent dishonourable
The last,mine, a prideable virtue
Why then do I feel
A difference before and after

Why then do I grieve
the act of commitment
Why then do I wonder
Over the milk spilt

A taboo psychological?
A fear of completion?
An apprehension of commitment?
Or a terror of the inner truth?

The past is haunting
The future daunting
Yet I try among the ruins of failed efforts
To make this present worth happily remembering.

पैर पर कुल्हाढ़ही

जब तुम्हें कहा था राही तब तो तुमने एक लव्स न सुना
तो फिर आज क्यों खरहे खरहे आंसू बहा रहे हो
चेतावनी सुनकर अनसुनी कर दी
तो फिर आज क्यों विदाम्बनायों के पुल बाँध रहे हो?

काँटा कहा था तुम्हीं ने इसे
फिर क्यों स्वयं ही ग्रहण किया?
जान लिए थे इसकी नियत
तोह फिर क्यों उसे शरण दिया

कर चुके हो जब स्वयं तुम ऐसा
हाँ कभी किसी और के साथ
तो फिर किसी और के करने पर क्यों गम है राही
ज़रा सोचो क्या बीती होगी उस पर उस क्षण

शायद यही तुम्हारी सजा है "प्यारे"
शायद यही तुम्हारा प्रायश्चित भी
होगा वही जो तुमने किया कभी
कुछ याद आई वोह कर्वी वाणी?

हाँ पर उम्मीद तोह बनाये रखूँगा
स्वयं की रह पर ही चलूँगा
आखिर मैंने ही तो फिर यह भी कहा था
आज को जी लो, कल को किसने देखा है

A self introspection done with the help of some my close friends. Straight from the heart again. Signing off with hope which is largely my own creation . I just hope it works out!

Depression!

khamoshi ke in lamhon ka kya karunga mein?
tanhayee ke is alam se kaise sahunga mein?
kaise mitayoonga apne kaanon men parhne waali is sannate ki aahat ko
batao priyatam tum bin kaise rahunga mein

man se sochte samjhte hain yeh jaanta hun mein
par kya gila is dil ki jo yeh hamesha rota hai
hasne ki chah ho toh bhi isey hamesha
has ke firse rona hi parhta hai

kyon yeh duniya nahin samajhti ki pyaar kya cheez hai
kyon yeh khuda nahin samjhta ki aashiquon ki doorie kya cheez hai
kyon yeh jahaan nahin chahta ki milan ki gharhi kabhi naa aaye
kyon, akhir kyon swayam bhagya nahin chahta ki ham pass naa ayein

aur agar bhagya maan bhi gya toh fir is man ka kya karunga main
yeh toh bechara asliyat ki waqfiyata ka shikaar hai
kuch sapna dekh nahin pata koi bhav samjh nahin pata
dil kuch kehta hai toh jawaab de deta hai, nahin yeh impractical cheez hai


Sometimes i wonder if too much of sense and thinking is a bane given to us as punishments of crimes unknown.

Useless, Pointless and Totally Arbit

Well since I am absolutely vella, I thought of writing something for my bloggae(no that’s not what I call it but just an arbit thing which came into my mind(see I am so vella?(in fact vella enough to goon putting bracket after bracket(Stop it!))))(Ok so check if they are all closed!). And what better thing to write about than my vellaness-The inspiration behind this post!

So these days even though college is of I am still residing in my dear WD-17 at Shivalik reason being I am doing an intern here in Noida with a Multinational VLSI Design Company(See me boasting!:) )(P.S. Does anyone know how to put a smiley in brackets? Somehow I am never able to do that comfortably) Virage Logic International. (Ya now go back there and read where I left off and started the bracket!)Okkk Intern ... you must be thinking that how can I be free when I am interning. Aaah! That friends is the thing. I had heard it from every one of my seniors.."Koi intern pe kucch nai (mazdoor style!)seekhta". But I didn’t believe it till today I am sitting in my office and writing this post!!!I mean I literally do NOTHING here. Take a look at my average day schedule"

9AM: Reach Office. Switch on PC. Open Gmail, FB... check for new mail or notifications.
9:15: Go to Cafeteria(Yes the company has its own and what's more, catering is by Yellow Chilies that guy Sanjeev Gupta's company) for breakfast
9:45: Open a couple of design files. Play around a bit. Get bored. Doze off.
10:30: Wake up. Have a drink of water. Faced with nothing better to do, so open up BlogSpot. Start reading random posts by random people.
12:00: Realize with a shock what you are here for as Boss walks in. Says it’s nice you blog also. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell him that as far as his office is concerned, I JUST blog!
12: 15: After a discussion with boss get back to blogs.
1:00: Say hi to my gf who logs in around this time.
1: 15: Head off for lunch
1;45: Chat with gf
4:00: Gf logs off and reprimands me for not working. Threatens with dire consequences if I don’t do something constructive. Gives moral lecture. I enjoy every bit of her!( I love you qti!)
4:15: Try to work. Give up
4:45: Log onto to Google news and read the day's happenings
5:20: Pack up my bag and leave

See how vella I am??? Gosh. The only thing I can think of right now is going back to hostel and playing counterstrike with the guys! Hmm... ya I think its best to end this here. I don’t want to be killing with boredom those few holy souls who read my blog! Take care guys. Maybe next time I’ll come up with a better post!!!

(P.S. ya the real reason for logging off is that its time for lunch!!!)

An Ode to Nesci

All dressed n red and black you stood
Beckoning many a hungry IITian
Maggi and muffin and croissants were all you offered
Yet you took our hearts away

It was you we came to for our nightly sojourns
Twas you who helped us survive the long nightouts
You it was who we came to cry to over our grades
And you we came for treats for birthdays

You habroured many a lonely couple
And many a drunk group of hooligans
NOt to mention the frequent sutteris
All of whom made you their ultimate destination

And you it was who stood neutral
Through all the headcounts and alliances of Poltu
And you it was that who we came to
for that elusive bill for rebate

But now you are gone, gone and dead
Tis but ruin that stands
No more are the voices heard from the windows
No more the all night stands

And it seems with you my life has gone
Seems IIT's not worth it anymore
almost as if we've lost the degree
that we were to take and go

What use a bday without the ice tea?
What use the RCA event without the customary treat?
What use the minors without ur coffee
What use Oh what use this IIT?

NESCI: YOU WILL STAY WITH US IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER

Lakshya!

Jaag uthe armaan aaj hain, fir kuch karne ki chah mein
Chhoot gaye peeche parhav hain, paa liye jo kal the
Parv aaj seedha kharha hai, lakshya dikhaye chunauti de
Na rukna hai, na thamna hai jayenge ab karm bhumi mein

Rah yeh saral na hogi, jaan yeh ham satark hain
Manzil kathintam kathin hogi, jaan yeh ham adag hain
Paa liya tha paharh toh fir parv yeh kya cheez hai
Jeet liya duniya ko toh fir bandhu

Larhki yeh kya cheez hai!

Soch yeh main chal parha, rah ki us pagdandi par
Soch yeh main ghus gaya, ishq ki us ran bhoomi mein
soch yeh main chaturai se, laga baandhne dhaage anek
Pra socho kya mera haal hua, jab thukraye usney mere prastav anek!

Yojnayein bani aur bigarh gayi
Bahaane banyaye aur toot gaye
Kahawatein kahin jo muk rahin
Aur baazi samajho haari si gayi

Par fir achanak chamtkar hua
"Random" sa ek hahahkaar hua
Aur hazaaron lakhonh yugon ke uprant
Mera pehla dao safal hua

Bas fir kya tha, main tut parha
Har ek sambhav prayas kiya
Jo kuch tha sab luta diya
Aur ant mein usey paa hi liya

Aur aaj paakar harshit hoon,
Khushi ki maar ko seheta hoon,
Par sabak main seekh chuka hoon
Saara vishv ek taraf aur yeh nazuk si ladki alag!

Ek Aaftab...

Ek aaftab aisa, jo mujhe bhi roshni de

Bhatak rha tha jeevan ki in sunsaan rahon mein gum
Dhund rha tha moh maya ke is junglemein ummeed ki ek dhun
Chah rha tha jeevan ki raahon mein ek sathi main

Ek aaftab aisa jo mujhe bhi roshni de

Bhatakte huey is jaanwar ne paaya ek komal hath ka sparsh
Dhundhti hui in nazron ne dekha ek naya raasta, chaha kuch naya kar
Chah ki nadiyon ne paaya junoon-e-mohabbat ke baandh ka aasra

Ek aaftab aisa jo mujhe bhi roshni de

Aur bhatak kho gayi, aur rah mil gayi
Aur moh bhi jeet liya, aur maya ko adhin kar liya
Aur pyaar kar liya, kisi pe main mar mit gya

Ban chala fir man swayam

Ek aaftab aisa jisney kisi aur ko roshni di


Ok Now completely random poem... No head tail, just a thought that our salvation lies in the salvation of others...

Samasya

Tha kharha main morh par
Ek gehri kashmakash mein
Do rahein thi mere samksh
Aur meri manzil thi wahin kahin pe

Tab mili woh mujhe
Jisko dekh main chup ruk sa gya
Aur rah ke sabhi morh
Morh kar uski or barhne laga

Fir aawazz chooti...

ek tara dekh kar
tu yun taktaka kyon kharha hai?

husn ke is zulm mein
tu bhatakta kyon fira hai?

thi alag toh soch teri
toh aaj ghayal kyon parha hai?

chorha tha aanchal tune uska
toh aaj haath barhaye kyon kharah hai?

kyon kharha hai yun mukh par
aaj fir kisi ka naam leke?

kyun guma hai tu ishq mein
fir kisi ka khwaab dekh ke?

kyun parha hai tu zamin par
aaj fir kisi ka dil jeetne

bhul gya zakhm woh
jo aj tak bhar na saka hai?

bhul gaya aah woh
jiski karah se goonj aaj tak tu rha hai?

bhul gaya woh pyaas apni
jo sada adhuri hi rhi?

bhul gya kya woh aas apni
jo kabhi puri na hui?

uth, kharh aur aage barh
jeevan muk tuk na parha hai

jaa dekh apni manzil ko rahi
aaj path seedha parha hai

mat bhatak aaj rah se
aaj gantavya svayam kharha

chorh moh aur maya ka bandhan
aaj din tera charha hai



par main wahan chup rha
aur main whan muk rha
soch na paya bol na paya
kuch karna tha woh kar na paya

dekha ek disha toh dikhe
pichli galtiyon ke dukh anek
dekha duji taraf toh paya
manzilon ka dher anek

par dekh andar main sehem gya
chehra uska tha wahan khila
dekh us chehre ko mera
mukh bhi sehej muska gya

thi raunak woh jo kabhi na payi
thi hasin aise jo na kabhi khil khilayee
the khwab hasin jo na kabhi dekhe the
the raaste anek jo kaafi tedhe the

par raaston ke ant mein
dekha ujala sa bhara tha
jisey dekh aankhen band ho gayin
aur saamne ka dipak dhundla gya

fir suni aawaz woh
jo mujhe tarhpa rhi thi
fir suni salah woh
jo mujhe samjha rahi thi

par suni fir aawaz uski
aur mera man behel gya
bhul bandhan bhul dikkat
bhul sab dukh samasya main gya

aur wahin dusri aawaz
atyaadhik feeki kamzor parhi
aur mere pag swayam se
uski aur barhne lage

dekh barhta usney kaha
ruk ja murkh sehem ja
saamne hai rah teri
yeh nahin marg tera

bola main tujhe dekh kar
hi toh main sab chorh chaarh aaya hun
bola main ai phoolon ki kali
tujhe paane ki aas main laya hun

yeh sun woh murjha si gayi
jaise chand chup sa gya
dekh mani hairan hua
aur wahin par theher gya

naa jaanti thi main
ki andha tujhe main karungi
jaanti hoti toh shayad
chorh aati tej wahin pe

yeh sun main chakraya
darr sa gya, fir himmat se kadam barhaya
ai chandini, ai mrignayinee
kya nahin dekh paya main?

veh boli

saamne toh dekh rahi
rah teri seedhi parhi hai
toh bhatak tu kyon rha hai
marg ke beechon beech mein

gantavya toh sabka vahi hai
jo dekh tu aaj behka gya hai
par rah toh alag hai
kyon chala hai khudkhushi karne?

aaj jo tu yahan kharah hai
aaj jo tu kuch ban parha hai
woh is rah ki hi toh den hai
woh is rah ka tere liye prem hai

rah nahin hai dushman teri
nai le jayegi aisi jagah
jahan tu pahunch kahe
oof yeh toh choot hi gya

yun kaha aur tej halka kiya
toh aankhen fir khuli si
dekha rah ke ant mein tha wahi ujala
uski meri rah thi mano ek parhi

aur fir main samajh gya
meri rah toh seedhi hi parhi thi
par aankhon ke dhokhe ne
ghuma diya tha is dimag ko

jo mujhe lga ki ant tha
woh toh keval parhav tha
jo mujhe laga dhundhla deepak
woh toh bas uskey tej ka ek ant tha

manzil toh meri vahi thi
par raast bhi vahi tha
chunki tej halka hone par dekha
saamne geheri khayi thi

aur yeh jaan ke main muskuraye
vah bhi halki si sharmayi
boli ab chalo pathik
abhi baari nahin hai hamari aayi

par haan main tumhare saath chalungi
par thorhi duur is taraf
kyonki jo yeh tej hai
yeh bhi toh tumhara hi hai

aur ab main prafullit ho gya
maano amrit pee hi liya ho
saaman bandha, lakshhya saadha
aur uski roshni ki rah mein
barhta gya

If you managed to reach the end well then mail me! u deserve a treat! lol
probably one of my longest poems ever, but pretty close to heart...

Pyaar Kar

Pyaar se peeche mat hatt raahi
Pyaar mein kayi khwaab hain
Sach na hon toh kya hua
Aaj ka toh wohi sahaara hain.

Kal jo tha woh beet gya
Kal ko kisne dekha hai
Par aaj toh samksh kharha hai
Aaj tu pyaar kar.

Agar paa liya toh acha hai
Agar kho diya toh gam na karna
Paa toh tune kitni baar liya tha
Usey paane ki soch kar.

Hell

Have you ever wondered how it feels?
To have your work all undone
To toil and labour all night and day
Yet the fruits being bitter?

Have you ever tried to laugh
On the grave of your sweat
Or tried to say I do not care
At the death of your beloved

Aah then you’ve not lived lad
Naught have you seen ,naught have you felt
Cut off that rod of masculine strength
You are just another lass

For men they are who can laugh off
The murder of their perspiring hands
And men they are who care not
For their bloody parched flanks

I AM A MAN

I have been through this all
Worked and persevered
Till the end of it all

YES THE VERY END.

The end of effort
The end of prize
The end of everything
The end of life.

Without a thought to hell.

I've often said there's nothing such as Deserveability. But now I'd like to put the question... Is there not even something such as decency limit of crap?

P.S. Being sexist was not my aim... I'd like you to take the word MAN as the stereotypical image of someone(male or female) who is someone strong by character...

An Apology

I am sorry my friend for doing this to you
leaving u like this with nothing to do
i know no one visits u any more
infact with u dormant, u exist they dont know

But sweetheart what do i do
its gone for a six, try as hard as i do
like a bird for migration,
its gone to hell my stupid imagination

haan par promise i'll bring it back
pinky(:)) promise i do
that i will write something soon
my poor blog i hope forgive me u do.

Faccha Times...

I remember when I came to IIT I was full of expectations. I had heard so much about this fabled place and ,more importantly, worked so hard to get here. If stories were to be believed this place turned people into geniuses, taught an education unknown to anyone else, created engineers fit enough to change the whole universe...

Today, it’s been almost an year. I have lived my faccha days and am ready to move on to a respected second year ‘Sir’. And boy has it been a journey of revealations...
I have learnt a lot in this one year... Oh no... Not engineering. But lots of other things. For instance, 101 ways to commit fraud, lying out of your hat and proving it to be true, cheating on exams... the list is endless.

Yes, truly IITians are exceptional people with exceptional intellect. But what happens to them here? They are introduced to a world where slowly they metamorphose into students fit enough to go to any regional college and blend in with the crowd there. In all our exams there is no application of the brain. Bas paper ke ek din pehle tut laga ke chale jaao. Number aa jayenge. Nahin aaye? Koi baat nahin paper milne ke baad likh likh ke number le lo. Fir bhi nahin aaye? Toh fir Chill Maar naa Launde!!!
(Application of mind toh agar hai toh hai sirf aur sirf Poltu mein...And about that I shall not speak.)

Am I lying? Am I venting my own frustration cause I am a ‘maggu’?

No.

Look within yourselves...How many times have we asked or rather begged our peers for proxies? How many times have we gone for hostel extra currics and compromised on our Acads.? How many times have we fooled the TAs by doctored readings and graphs. How many times have we forced the poor professor to make an easy paper just to make us pass. How many times have we frowned on the handful of ‘maggus’ who take it upon themselves to fulfil the responsibilities of us all?

Innumerable my friend, innumerable. And when we could have avoided all this... when we could have avoided losing our own self respect just by studying that hour a day which while preparing for JEE was tuppence to us. Think my friends. Introspect. Are we doing the right thing? Realise yours, mine, our true potential.

Yes we turn into geniuses... Geniuses capable of fooling anyone in the world. Yes we are taught an education unknown to anyone else... one which educates us on the fallacy of moral behaviour and the encouragement of ruthless achievement. Yes we become engineers fit enough to change the universe... but not through science but through unscrupulously illicit acts.

You might close this window in disgust. You might form an opinion that this blog sux majorly. You may comment on the author ki yeh saala hi aisa hoga. You might even curse the webmaster who din intervene to block this article. All this you’d do if you were not an IITian.

But if you are an IITian... you’d be hanging your head in shame...

Birth... and Death

I couldn’t understand what was going on. I was hungry, thirsty and more importantly feeling immense pain around the center of my stomach. Moreover I was dirty... covered in some fluids. And to top it all my ears were being bombarded with crass cacophonous screeches. What else could I do but protest. And unaware of any sensible means of communication I started crying.

The lady covered in white who had so far been carrying me took her hand towards my nether regions and nearly dropped me... Hey what the hell do you think you are doing... was what I wanted to say. What came out instead(from some unknown lady’s mouth) was, “Oh my God. Are you sure its a girl!”.
Girl... of course I am a girl... what did u think? A boy without a penis? Idiots.
Suddenly the whole room became quiet. Thank God thought I. Finally some peace. And I stopped my hopelessly inverbose wailing.
“So what do we do now?” a heavy male voice said.
I liked the voice. Somehow it seemed comforting. I would love to hear that voice say to me, “I love you”. I wondered if it was my dad. I tried to look up kicking the poor nurse in her breasts as I did so. He was a tall, muscular man with a shock of jet black hair. Standing next to him was an old lady with an expression on her face which spoke of immense grief... Hey be happy. You’ve become grandma... I wanted to say.

This time what came out was a fluid from between my legs... Shit. The strain of looking up had been too much.

I settled down again as the nurse hurried to clean me(and herself!) up. But not before I heard my newly found granny’s mouth open and say, “Salt will do it cleanly”.

Salt? Maybe she had planned a grand feast for me but the cook had messed up. Aah... th cold water felt so nice. I had a nice feeling about this place.

“Ok.”

I heard my dad say. Nice daddy. Always willing to help. If he was this helpful to his mother, he’d prolly even help me with my HW eventually.

Suddenly I felt myself being snatched away from the nurse. My mouth was forcibly opened. And it was poured down my throat. Salt.
I choked . Vomited. Felt convulsions inside my body. The last thing I heard was the shriek of the beautiful lady lying on the clean bed.
And then I slept.


Just wrote this to kinda imagine what the baby must feel like when she is killed seconds after she is born. Don’t know where the inspiration for this came from. Was stdin for my Signals and Systems quiz when this erupted. Anyways... happy reading 

My(feebly hopeless!) 55er... :)

“I still love you but not like that. Just as a friend”
“You rejected us when you ran away with him you bitch. Go die if you wish. You have no place here”.
Suddenly, the decision was made. A jump was all it took. And yet another love story came to its clichéd, tragic end.


Lol... I recently came to know about this concept of a 55 word story so tried my hand at it. Found it a really good experience... :)

Untitled...
It was all so rosy till yesterday
When I could live and laugh with ease
When I could shower my love on you
When happiness I could feel

Just yesterday when I took her out for a date
Just yesterday when I solved her physics probs
Just yesterday when we had that war of PJs
Just yesterday when you said, “Stop that son”

Just yesterday when my heart used to skip beats
In wait of your call
Just yesterday when I responded with zeal
To the questions of you all

Just yesterday when my heart was complete
Just yesterday when I could sing with feel
Just yesterday when I was sometimes free
Just yesterday when my life was being lived

But today it’s all crass and monotonous
Today no longer can I feel
That same love that same affection
Which once would lift me off my feet

And each and every one of you have said
An I confess I too feel
That there’s something not fully right
There’s something missing... that feel

But somehow I can no longer turn
My carriage onto my own turns
Somehow it’s the force of the wind
That’s driving my cart now

And as I cry and pen down this
My heart cries to you all
Oh friends and lover, oh mum and sis
I still love you... and its you that I most miss.

Give me time to sort this out
Give me the space to fall and rise
So far my life’s been a mess that you always sorted
Now let me do it at least one time

And then I promise I will return
That lively, cheerful, loving one you knew
And return shall our loving ties
And normal life will resume


I don’t think if this can rightly be called a poem. Looks more like a self confession to me. And so it is too. But had I not got it out of me I would have broken down. You see Dumbledore’s pensive was nothing but a storehouse of emotions he wished to fully feel later. And so is my blog. And so like Dumbledore I too pick my feelings stran by strand and put them here... to dwell on them in full sometime soon. Happy reading!

Reflections... and a few hard truths

When I was in class 10, my sis moved to college in Delhi. I thought that would be the end of the relationship we had shared in Chandigarh because of not just the distance but also the pressures in college. Initially for the first two or three months this seemed to be the case and I felt dejected that I had lost my sister to college. Later however, surprisingly our relationship just got better. She used to call up from Delhi just to talk to me, find out how I ma doing, telling anecdotes from her college, enquiring about my school ,studies etc. I used to love it. Mentally I made up my mind that when I go to college I’ll never lose contact with my family. Just like my sister has, I’ll always be in touch with her.

Today however the scenario seems to have shifted. The last time I went home, my sis was also there. Just in passing she made a comment, “Inse larhai toh tab hogi na jab baat hogi... Main toh baat hi nahin kar paati ab is se.”

This sentence had a deep impact on me. Its true that for the past two or three months I haven’t nbeen talking to my sis at all. Earlier we used to talk everyday and meet almost every week(We are both in Delhi). But now I just don’t find the time to call. And when she calls I reply in monosyllables which ensures that the convo drys up in 2 or 3 mins. She doesn’t say it but I feel it that she misses me and feels bad that I never talk to her. I feel so too but somehow am unable to correct it. Somehow I am so worked up in college life I have no time to sit down in peace and talk to my sister or anyone for that matter. My best friends(when they call) have to talk to the stressed out me, who just cannot make conversation. Eveyone has this same complaint from me that I never talk. And so I analyse,WHY?

I guess I have made myself too engrossed in my college(and hostel). Extra currics seem to be taking a lot of my time. In short I have made myself too busy. But, is it bad? I mean from my perspective, the more busy I am the less time I have to waste. But is just sitting down and ‘maaroing chill’ a time waste. Is it not in part necessary ? When faced with these questions I feel scared, terrified at what I am making myself into. Like the devil who is afraid to be idle??? Like the overworked horse who just breaks down and dies at the crucial time? Like the solitary typical neo-modern person who is completely immersed in the stupid rat race so deeply he can’t even come out???

My thoughts continue, my mind aches, my heart almost breaks... I hear an announcement... “Practice for...”. I shut down my laptop(and my mind) and go... And immerse myself again into that maze of things to do.
Ignorance, after all, is bliss.

(The title is from two posts I read recently from my friends’ blogs. None of those posts were like this. Its just that those titles moved me to contemplate... and the result was this.)